Ambitions like “one day, I’m gonna to enter the country’s most prestigious fucking Iron Brewer competition, blow everybody’s minds by taking the prize, and THEN YOU’LL GET OFF MY BACK ABOUT NOT DOING ANYTHING WITH MY LIFE MOM!”

But right now I look around and just see a bunch of weak willed unwashed hippies that couldn’t brew a barley-free beer if their goddamn life depended on it. When the soviet tanks roll through our majestic barley fields and the aliens’ EMP meteorite weapons wipe out our banking system, I want to surround myself with men and women with hearts and souls of iron. Men and women that can look at a bag of quinoa and a packet of quaker oatmeal and with deep conviction say “fuck yeah, not only can I ferment that, but it’s gonna taste even better than that supposed craft beer you used be able to buy before the lizard people took over.”

So if you’re out there reading this, don your tinfoil hat, get out of yer basement and go buy all your non-barley ingredients from nepenthe. Take a shot at being the next Iron Brewer!